We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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