I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
