When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
