Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Terrible idea I love it
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
