I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
