sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
