i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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