the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
