I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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