i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
