I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
