I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
