I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
