the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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