I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
