Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
