yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i will never coherently bang her
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
