Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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