alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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