I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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