Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
