Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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