I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
