he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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