haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
