Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
