I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
