That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
