I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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