He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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