I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
