this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
