My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
