Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize