i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
