Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
