I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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