don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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