Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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