I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
