I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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