smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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