The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
