You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
