Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
