I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
