I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
