I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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