I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
