i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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