I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
