i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
