I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
