Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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