im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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