the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
