No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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