It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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