I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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